Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Tricia's Date

Every once in a while someone whose pictures aren’t that great will surprise you in person…pleasantly. Such was the case when I met…mmmm…we’ll call him Roney…because his name rhymed with that.

It went the standard route, couple of emails, some phone conversations and even some fun texts. Though I’m embarrassed to admit I wasn’t overly excited to meet him even given that because his pictures just didn’t lead me to believe he was all that attractive. Hey I’m human right?

Well turns out I was completely wrong and he clearly just did not photograph well. He looked like a taller Justin Timberlake! I was relieved and excited at the same time. We met at Lucky’s in Boston (great spot)and sat at the bar for some appetizers and drinks. He could certainly handle his Guinness, I did take note of that, but we had a good time and I like a guy that can handle his drink. Before we knew it it was past the time when the last train ran…he lived on the South Shore. Being that we had a great date and I believed him to be a good guy I offered to give him a ride home.

Turned out he lived in a gorgeous house on the water and he invited me in to show me around (and also print out directions for me to get back given that it was a complete maze getting there). We walked in and went to the kitchen where he proceeded to pull out a glass and fill it with vodka. Now we’re talking a standard issue WATER GLASS that he filled to the top with vodka that he pulled out of the cabinet…so room temperature at that. Then turned to me and asked if I wanted one.

Not for nothin’ but this is a Tuesday night in America…and it’s 11 o’clock…and you drink down a GLASS of vodka?

I saw him one other time after that the following Saturday and when I showed up at his house it was 4 o’clock. He said he hadn’t had a drink that day because he was so hung over which was “very good behavior” for him.

Anyone Up For Chinese?

I should say I think I'm pretty good when it comes to rolling with the punches and going with the flow. I'm not one of those girls that cares that a guy takes her to a certain kind of restaurant or spends a certain amount of money on a date.

But everyone's got their threshold. Mine was met in this particular instance.

There was a man at my gym that had been checking me out for some time. He was good looking, tall and muscular. What more could a girl want. When he finally approached me to talk he was outgoing and personable.

We chatted on the phone and he mentioned he wanted to get together for dinner. Well sure, that sounded like a splendid idea. I asked him where he was thinking and that's where it went downhill. He suggested meeting at the all you can eat Chinese buffet that was located in the plaza behind the gym.

Now...while I did not know his situation specifically I understand some people may not have a lot of funds to work with. Which is okay, I would never assume someone would pay for me on a first date. But there are plenty of cost effective places that would provide better atmosphere not to mention better food than a Chinese buffet.

Panera? TGI Friday's? Am I reaching here?

Roid Rage

Sorry for the lack of post last week…you know how it goes with the holidays. Holidays bring out a lot of overindulgence on behalf of most people. Usually folks find themselves overdoing it on food, spending, cocktailing…

And some people decide to overindulge in other things like…steroids…which brings us to this post.

This was a young man that I had emailed and spoke with a few times before meeting and I will admit, there were some definite red flags upfront. One of our conversations centered around his disappointment at his subpar workout that morning which clearly affected his entire mood and then lead into a discussion about his body insecurities. I distinctly remember him whining about his “chicken legs”. Yes, I know, why would I go out with him?? Well, I’m trying to be more open-minded and not write people off so quickly. If you remember some people have accused me of being too picky which is really what started this whole online adventure in the first place.
So we decide on a casual date (you know I’m a big fan of the casual date) at Dave and Buster’s at the Providence Place Mall. This would be fun…we can grab a bite and some beers and play some games. I’m like a 10 year old kid at heart so I was excited to show off my profound video game skills. You name it I love it…the shooting games, the racing games…I like it all!

I meet him at the bar and all is well. He looks like his pictures, he’s nice and the conversation is going well. He’s a dealer at a casino so we were talking about work and what his job is like. He launches into a story about a guy who was drunk one night and relieving himself outside. He took it upon himself (like any responsible employee would) to reprimand the man for doing so and tell him to wrap it up. The man got very angry with him and asked if he worked for the casino to which Roid Rage (yes that’s what we’re calling this one) answered yes. Apparently the man stated that if he worked for the casino then he essentially worked for him because he was a customer.

Well…Roid Rage did NOT take this well. He became possessed just telling the story, I saw it in his eyes. It was as if he were right back in that situation on that very night and I was the man outside relieving himself. He leaned in REAL close, his eyes wide and crazy with rage as he clawed at his chest to demonstrate ripping his shirt off and screamed “I don’t work here NOW mother*cker what are you going to do about it??!!!”.

Cue me leaning so far back in my bar stool I had to grip the underneath edges. I started looking around frantically to see if anyone was witnessing this or if maybe I was on candid camera and I would spy a hidden crew any minute.

But alas, I was not on candid camera. The fury eventually drained from his eyes and he straightened back up for the nail was in the coffin at that point for me. He was officially Roid Rage.

So the lesson here kids…overindulge in all the pie, mashed potatoes hell even vodka you want over the holidays…just stay away from the roids.

All In The Family

So where did I leave off? Oh yes yes...amicable break up and all that. I guess you just never know what's going to get into someone at any given point in time. Six months go by and while I had received a couple of casual emails asking how I was doing during that time I really hadn't heard of or thought much of him.

Then I receive a phone call from him one night. He suddenly NEEDS to talk to me and it's important. At this point I'm certainly not driving to him so I told him to come to me if he wants to talk. He does and when he gets there starts telling me how he made a mistake, he didn't realize what he had, he thinks we should give it another shot. He sees us married, house, kids, the whole nine yards (?? we dated for two months...)

Now I know this is not the man for me and I tell him so as direct while still being nice as I can. However, this does not suffice. He cannot for the life of him understand why I wouldn't want to give it another chance. I mean we've all been there...something ends and you don't feel the same and you know there's no going back to it. I tried to explain this to him in various ways for two hours before he finally relented and left. I have to admit I was a little sad, no one likes to hurt someone and I could tell he was visibly upset.

Well my guilt and sadness only lasted so long...

For weeks after he would call, email, text...always asking the same thing...how I could not give this another chance. It became painful to go through it time and time again so finally I started to get angry. Which of course elicits such comments from him as "well I'm glad I know now what a bitch you are...that makes this easier". Okay FINE as long as something makes you just accept this and move on. It was getting ridiculous and exhausting.

Then one Monday night in America (a night I'll never forget) he's in the middle of a texting rampage. At this point I'm actually starting to get a little scared and I forward some of the texts to my best friend so she can know what's going on. The texts were manic and went from one extreme to the other. In one he would be telling me how great he thinks I am and how much he misses me and then in another telling me what a jerk I am for "being like this".

And then comes the text of all texts...the motherload if you will. This probably came through at about ten that night as I'm sitting on my bed mentally running through various escape routes in the event he's crouching outside waiting to pounce. It says (brace yourself folks)..."at least now I don't have to tell you how I used to f*ck your aunt...I would worry about that when we were dating"........................................................

Collect yourselves everyone...I know, it takes a few minutes.

I gasped, threw my phone across the room and curled up into the fetal position and rocked in the hopes to make it all go away.

I know the inevitable question everyone asks when I tell the story, "is it true?". Well folks...I don't know. My aunt and uncle got married very young and eventually divorced after 28 years of marriage. Perhaps my aunt was going through a mid life crisis at 40? I personally believe it because I cannot fathom any reason on God's green earth why someone would say such a thing if it weren't true.

What's worse is that's not the last time I heard from him. I finally called him after another week of badgering and put an end to it. Though like clockwork every few months he'll pop up. In the form of an email, a Facebook request, a text...none of which get replies from me. It's usually "Hey T, just thinking about you, hope all is well...".

Dude, you f*cked my aunt, there's nothing else to be said.

So Close, Yet So Far Away

It was inevitable after a number of misses I would eventually find one that would click. I would like him, he would like me, everyone looked like their pictures and no one horrified the other enough to not want to go out with them again. Alas, the stars would align.


Well that’s what happened one fine summer evening when I met…mmmm…we’ll call him Berg, the last 4 letters of the town he lives in.


We met at TGI Friday’s. It was a casual meeting spot and the conversation was just as casual. This was refreshing considering most seem to think for some reason you should get into the heavy stuff on a first date…past relationships, what you’re looking for. I mean lighten up people! So this was great and I left that night knowing I would go out with him again.


The next month was a series of pleasant meet ups and low key dinners. In a small world kind of a story we discovered he grew up right next door to my aunt and uncle on a lake. The same lake that I would water ski on when we had family summer gatherings.


He worked a lot, both in his full time day job and also remodeling houses on the weekends. Most of the time I would drive to where he was (over an hour away) on a Saturday as he was typically tied up until the early evening. I’m a pretty understanding person who in my private life is fairly laid back. So at first this did not bother me…until it was obvious to me that this was going to continue after a couple of months of dating.


Then one weekend we had planned to go meet some friends of mine, a big step for me. He asked me about 4 days prior to the night if he “had to” go. Well, no Berg, you don’t have to go. Silly me just thought you liked me and wanted to meet some of the friends you hear about so much.



So that was that, I knew he just wasn’t the guy for me. I told him as such and ended it right then. He seemed to be fine with that and we parted ways amicably with both of us knowing this wasn’t the end all be all for either of us.


Or so I thought…

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

We should take some time to observe the various interesting phone conversations one can have with these potential dates before even going out with them. Two of mine that stand out in particular:

-There was one chap from the Cape who’s profile definitely lended itself to him being somewhat of a party animal. Most of his pictures were of him out with a beer in his hand and his answer to the frequency of his alcohol intake was “several times a week”. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I’m certainly no teetotaler so this did not scare me off right away. We’ll call him “Party Pat”….Party Pat from the Cape. We went through the steps and exchanged a few casual emails and then set up a time to speak. The conversation went as such:

PP: “Heeeyyyyyyy….”
Me: “Oh…hey there” (at this point I suspect he may be under the influence)

Conversation ensues for a few minutes and he proposes the idea of getting together.

PP: “Sooooo…you’re really cuuute in your picsh…we should get together or somethin’”

At this point I realize he’s completely shitfaced.

Me: “Where do you usually go out on the Cape? I love the BBC, one of my favorite places…”
PP: “OOOHHHH yeah…I’m not rea—hiccup—really allowed there, I kinda got in trouble one niigghhtt”

Alrighty Party Pat...order me up a cold one and I'll be there before you know it.

And then another where the guy on the other end of the line would frequently morph into a tiny cheerleader of sorts after each statement I made. I know, this is confusing, allow me to illustrate:

MC (midget cheerleader): “How was your day?”
Me: “It was good…busy, but good.”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

*Cue to me completely perplexed at whatever sound just came through the phone and looking at it as if maybe it had suddenly switched frequencies. Had I possibly temporarily caught a 5 year old girl mid-conversation with her father or something? I don't get great cell service where I live. But no…no it continued:

MC: “So do you like your job?”
Me: “I do…it certainly has it’s moments but for the most part I really like what I do”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

While the rest of his dialogue was in a totally normal, mid 30s male voice, this little cheer of his was in a teeny tiny little voice! It continued unwarranted…

Me: “Hold on, I just need to grab a glass of water, I’m a little parched”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

So needless to say neither one of these two potential suitors even made it to the date stage…though I’m sure we can all say with a fair amount of certainty how those would have gone, and we’re glad we dodged that bullet. Yyaaayy…

Almost As Painful As A Trip To The Dentist

After you’ve had some experience viewing profiles and pictures and then meeting them in person you start to notice some trends to be aware of…I also like to refer to these as “red flags”. Now, maybe some people would know from the get go that these are signs of potential problems but it took me a few to get it down. Some things to watch out for:

-no picture…regardless of how cool they sound in their profile, how witty they are and how well they write (which is usually indicative of their intelligence level) no picture should be a no go…more on this later

-they’re wearing a hat in all of their pictures…this means they are balding. Please note, NOT bald as in they realized they were going there and decided to shave their head (which I personally think on the right guy is a really good look) but balding. Nothing wrong with that folks, just don’t falsely advertise!

-above the shoulder shots only

-pictures taken from 20 feet away and they’re wearing sunglasses

-all of the pictures are mysteriously blurry

-pictures where they smile but never show their teeth

This last one brings us to our next experience. This was a nice fellow that I emailed with for a bit. He seemed genuine and funny, so of course I was excited to meet him (one of these days you’d think I’d learn NOT to get excited). We agreed to meet for a couple of drinks on a Friday after work. This was perfect I thought because you weren’t taking an entire evening but it’s still enough time to get to know each other. Besides, if it’s going really well you can always just keep going with it.

So Chili’s it was for some margaritas and tex mex. I pulled up and parked and was walking up to the door when I saw him waiting. Oh this was going to be fun! I’m smiling as I walk up to him and the rest goes like this:

Tricia: “Hi! So nice to meet you!”
Date #3: “I know! I’ve been looking forward to this…………………………………………………………

I can’t tell you the rest of what was said as the world came to a halt and all sound was muted when I noticed it looked like he had spent his formative years chewing on a mouthful of rocks. Yes folks, we’re not talking a crooked tooth here…we’re talking about the kind of damage that could have only been done in a run in with a bulldozer or something of the like. WHY pratel, wouldn’t you have those fixed? I mean this is the new millennium! The miracles that can be worked through dentistry are abundant!

This was especially challenging because I was trying not to let my eyes wander to the wreckage in his mouth for the entire time we were together. NOT an easy feat I tell you. It’s like a bad accident you see on the highway…you don’t want to look but you can’t help yourself. And never mind what we talked about, I couldn’t tell you.

My thoughts were consumed with wondering what havoc these teeth reeked on the food we were having. When he bit into the nacho chip did the configuration of his teeth send little bits spraying everywhere in his mouth? If he weren’t cutting into the quesadilla with a fork and knife what would the bite mark look like? An octagon? Jigsaw puzzle? It was all too much, the places these teeth took my mind.

So the lesson here? Beware the smiling toothless picture. Needless to say it will come back to bite you.

Never Let 'Em See You Sweat

It should be said that my first online date wasn’t bad at all…if it had been bad it would have been indicative of what was to come and I might have been able to avoid it all. Not to say I blame this nice young man. I mean who would think that an average date as your rookie outing would be setting the bar too high? He was nice…a med student who was born and raised in Manhattan. Ironically enough, the date that popped my online cherry was intelligent, cultured and polite.

That being said we shouldn’t spend much time on him since he was clearly a fluke of the (or MY) online dating world. At the end of the date I don’t feel that either one of us was feeling any fireworks, though we agreed to be in touch and go out again. We would exchange some emails and texts but never made it out on that second date.

This quickly led into Date #2. I should say here that the first few weeks on a site are complete mayhem. Matches fly in one after the other, most or all requesting communication. It gets so overwhelming you think you need a personal assistant to handle it all. Luckily I had one…my best friend of 25 years. She knew me better than anyone and was just bored enough at her job to be able to relay all communication to me and handle all admin work so I could provide my answers and she could go back on the site and post them. In the interest of time management this helped greatly, and her synopses of the matches were always entertaining. There were few I didn’t reply to, I mean this was an experiment in trying something new! Being open to guys I wouldn’t normally consider, dates that were not typical and conversations that were eye opening. Now, understand, as I did not at the time, that everything I’ve just listed can be a good thing or a bad thing.

Date #2 definitely fell into the latter. We spoke on the phone just once before we went out when he called on a random Saturday and I was out shopping. We chatted while I browsed the shoe department at Nordstrom’s and set up a date for the following Tuesday. He finished our easy conversation saying he was excited to meet me and I have to say I felt the same.

We agreed to meet at one of my favorite restaurants in Providence with a great outside dining area. It was a fairly hot summer night and as I was walking up to the entrance I saw him from about 200 feet away. I knew it was him because he was alone and was waiting….and that was it. Certainly not because he was the cute blonde guy with the great smile leaning up against his garage with his dog as he was in his picture online. No no…this guy was bald, somewhat chunky and so pale the sun actually reflected off of him like a white sheet. Had my mother not raised me right I would have turned around right then and called with some last minute excuse as to why I couldn’t make it. But I quickly regrouped after a brief pause and set out to have the best possible date I could with this guy, regardless of my feelings of his false advertisement. Again, this was an experiment in trying new things!

We opted to sit outside despite the heat and were doing the usual introductory chit chat dance when our food was served and that’s when The Sweating began. Perhaps it was the heat outside coupled with the heat from his steak but I gotta tell you, he was shvitzing everywhere. It was dripping onto his food, he would wipe a pool off of his brow with his napkin, I mean it wouldn’t stop. I asked a couple of times if he wanted to move inside but he was insistent we stay out. Now, as if that weren’t enough to turn someone off the conversation during this entire time was his recount of his last relationship and the problems they had in the bedroom. He went on and on about how six weeks into his relationship with his ex she no longer felt they needed to have sex because that was something you only did in the beginning to get a guy.

I couldn’t help but wonder if when they were in bed (though believe me this is not something I wanted to picture but there was no way out) he would sweat all over her like he was over his poor steak and if that had anything to do with it. The longer this went on the closer I came to suggesting that that might have been the reason.

I wrapped up the date pretty quickly after dinner and couldn’t help but chuckle a little as I walked back to my car. THIS was dating! You have to have a couple of bad ones amongst the good ones and the whole thing was fun, something I had never done before. I almost felt a sense of pride having had my first unfortunate experience under my belt. I overcame my first “picture shock”, my friends would be entertained at the story and the first bad one was out of the way.

After my recovery I was refreshed and excited thinking about the multitude of matches I was in communication with and the great dates we would inevitably have.

Please note the overconfidence here and feel free to remind me of that later on…

The Black Cat And Online Dating

Serial monogamist. I had heard Julia Roberts use the term in an interview once and used it to describe myself going forward. That’s exactly what I had been…from the time my parents let me start seeing boys. I always had a boyfriend for a long time and when one relationship ended I seemed to have the good fortune of meeting someone else great pretty quickly that would subsequently consume the next couple of years of my life, give or take some.

That must be the reason for my state of affairs these last few years. I wonder sometimes if you only get a certain amount of relationships or loves and then that’s it, your well has run dry.
Either that or it’s that freaking black cat that belongs to someone in the condo complex where I live. The damn thing continually crosses my path and I have on plenty of occasions plotted it’s death via BB gun…it’s the main reason I don’t drink at home because I’m sure it would’ve happened by now.

Anyway, I digress. I wanted to write to share my tales of dating woe for a few reasons. First and foremost, the sheer entertainment that the stories bring to my loved ones. I have brought many a friend and family member to tears through laughter when I recount the most recent date’s neuroses, addiction or whatever else may be preventing them from being on the cover of whatever magazine out there promotes mental and emotional well being.
I also wanted to share because once I reached (and then passed) a certain amount of these experiences I started to wonder if I just had uncanny bad luck. I mean I know everyone has misses when it comes to dating, you have to kiss a lot of frogs, there’s a lot of fish and blah blah blah. But you go so long without catching a break and you really do start to wonder. It’s not even that he has to be Mr. Right…where’s Mr. Right Now?? I can’t even get that far?

Of course they weren’t all bad. There were some along the way that I very much liked…they just didn’t like me back. And while I can accept that just because you like someone doesn’t mean they like you back what happened to your fingers or tongue in the process that would allow you to actually communicate that to me? I started to feel like the Bermuda Triangle…people just disappeared…never to be heard from again. Some even disappeared after such parting words as “I’ll call you in a couple of days and we’ll make a plan to get together”. Now is there something in that line that I’m supposed to recognize as really meaning “I’m not really into you and will call everyone else in my book as a means to avoid going out”?

They could have saved a lot of money filming that movie He’s Just Not That Into You and just put a film crew on me for the last couple of years. Your loss Hollywood…I’m even cheaper than a poor man’s version of Jennifer Aniston.

The black cat was ever present around these times too. The time would come and go when I was supposed to hear from (insert any man’s name here, I’m sure I probably had one at some point) and I would open my sliding door curtains and there it was, lurking in the woods across from me. I would pull into my parking lot at night late sometimes and there it would be, darting in front of me while everyone else was sleeping. It’s as if it waited…watching…judging…okay maybe not judging but really…I never saw it jump in front of anyone else’s vehicle.

So I should start from the beginning. I was coming off of my last relationship that had dragged on longer than it should have and left me with the feeling that it was time to be alone for a while. I had just started a promising new career at a growing global company and was making serious strides in my professional life. The time was perfect to focus on that and forget about men for a while. Little did I know how long it would be.

Fast forward to a year later and I’m ready to start “getting out there” again. Problem was I had no idea how hard it would be. I figured if you’re out and about it’s like shooting fish in a barrel right? I’m fun, always laughing and at least fairly attractive? Apparently this did not cut it in the modern dating world, one that I had never been a part of.

So I decided to try online dating. Well…that and I really wasn’t meeting anybody in the conventional ways. Once again my false sense of dating ease coupled with what I would eventually start questioning as a bloated ego failed me. THIS would definitely be like shooting fish in a barrel! Fill out your profile, post your pictures and let the good times roll! I mean everyone on there is looking for the same thing right?

And so it begins.