Roid Rage

Sorry for the lack of post last week…you know how it goes with the holidays. Holidays bring out a lot of overindulgence on behalf of most people. Usually folks find themselves overdoing it on food, spending, cocktailing…

And some people decide to overindulge in other things like…steroids…which brings us to this post.

This was a young man that I had emailed and spoke with a few times before meeting and I will admit, there were some definite red flags upfront. One of our conversations centered around his disappointment at his subpar workout that morning which clearly affected his entire mood and then lead into a discussion about his body insecurities. I distinctly remember him whining about his “chicken legs”. Yes, I know, why would I go out with him?? Well, I’m trying to be more open-minded and not write people off so quickly. If you remember some people have accused me of being too picky which is really what started this whole online adventure in the first place.
So we decide on a casual date (you know I’m a big fan of the casual date) at Dave and Buster’s at the Providence Place Mall. This would be fun…we can grab a bite and some beers and play some games. I’m like a 10 year old kid at heart so I was excited to show off my profound video game skills. You name it I love it…the shooting games, the racing games…I like it all!

I meet him at the bar and all is well. He looks like his pictures, he’s nice and the conversation is going well. He’s a dealer at a casino so we were talking about work and what his job is like. He launches into a story about a guy who was drunk one night and relieving himself outside. He took it upon himself (like any responsible employee would) to reprimand the man for doing so and tell him to wrap it up. The man got very angry with him and asked if he worked for the casino to which Roid Rage (yes that’s what we’re calling this one) answered yes. Apparently the man stated that if he worked for the casino then he essentially worked for him because he was a customer.

Well…Roid Rage did NOT take this well. He became possessed just telling the story, I saw it in his eyes. It was as if he were right back in that situation on that very night and I was the man outside relieving himself. He leaned in REAL close, his eyes wide and crazy with rage as he clawed at his chest to demonstrate ripping his shirt off and screamed “I don’t work here NOW mother*cker what are you going to do about it??!!!”.

Cue me leaning so far back in my bar stool I had to grip the underneath edges. I started looking around frantically to see if anyone was witnessing this or if maybe I was on candid camera and I would spy a hidden crew any minute.

But alas, I was not on candid camera. The fury eventually drained from his eyes and he straightened back up for the nail was in the coffin at that point for me. He was officially Roid Rage.

So the lesson here kids…overindulge in all the pie, mashed potatoes hell even vodka you want over the holidays…just stay away from the roids.

All In The Family

So where did I leave off? Oh yes yes...amicable break up and all that. I guess you just never know what's going to get into someone at any given point in time. Six months go by and while I had received a couple of casual emails asking how I was doing during that time I really hadn't heard of or thought much of him.

Then I receive a phone call from him one night. He suddenly NEEDS to talk to me and it's important. At this point I'm certainly not driving to him so I told him to come to me if he wants to talk. He does and when he gets there starts telling me how he made a mistake, he didn't realize what he had, he thinks we should give it another shot. He sees us married, house, kids, the whole nine yards (?? we dated for two months...)

Now I know this is not the man for me and I tell him so as direct while still being nice as I can. However, this does not suffice. He cannot for the life of him understand why I wouldn't want to give it another chance. I mean we've all been there...something ends and you don't feel the same and you know there's no going back to it. I tried to explain this to him in various ways for two hours before he finally relented and left. I have to admit I was a little sad, no one likes to hurt someone and I could tell he was visibly upset.

Well my guilt and sadness only lasted so long...

For weeks after he would call, email, text...always asking the same thing...how I could not give this another chance. It became painful to go through it time and time again so finally I started to get angry. Which of course elicits such comments from him as "well I'm glad I know now what a bitch you are...that makes this easier". Okay FINE as long as something makes you just accept this and move on. It was getting ridiculous and exhausting.

Then one Monday night in America (a night I'll never forget) he's in the middle of a texting rampage. At this point I'm actually starting to get a little scared and I forward some of the texts to my best friend so she can know what's going on. The texts were manic and went from one extreme to the other. In one he would be telling me how great he thinks I am and how much he misses me and then in another telling me what a jerk I am for "being like this".

And then comes the text of all texts...the motherload if you will. This probably came through at about ten that night as I'm sitting on my bed mentally running through various escape routes in the event he's crouching outside waiting to pounce. It says (brace yourself folks)..."at least now I don't have to tell you how I used to f*ck your aunt...I would worry about that when we were dating"........................................................

Collect yourselves everyone...I know, it takes a few minutes.

I gasped, threw my phone across the room and curled up into the fetal position and rocked in the hopes to make it all go away.

I know the inevitable question everyone asks when I tell the story, "is it true?". Well folks...I don't know. My aunt and uncle got married very young and eventually divorced after 28 years of marriage. Perhaps my aunt was going through a mid life crisis at 40? I personally believe it because I cannot fathom any reason on God's green earth why someone would say such a thing if it weren't true.

What's worse is that's not the last time I heard from him. I finally called him after another week of badgering and put an end to it. Though like clockwork every few months he'll pop up. In the form of an email, a Facebook request, a text...none of which get replies from me. It's usually "Hey T, just thinking about you, hope all is well...".

Dude, you f*cked my aunt, there's nothing else to be said.

So Close, Yet So Far Away

It was inevitable after a number of misses I would eventually find one that would click. I would like him, he would like me, everyone looked like their pictures and no one horrified the other enough to not want to go out with them again. Alas, the stars would align.


Well that’s what happened one fine summer evening when I met…mmmm…we’ll call him Berg, the last 4 letters of the town he lives in.


We met at TGI Friday’s. It was a casual meeting spot and the conversation was just as casual. This was refreshing considering most seem to think for some reason you should get into the heavy stuff on a first date…past relationships, what you’re looking for. I mean lighten up people! So this was great and I left that night knowing I would go out with him again.


The next month was a series of pleasant meet ups and low key dinners. In a small world kind of a story we discovered he grew up right next door to my aunt and uncle on a lake. The same lake that I would water ski on when we had family summer gatherings.


He worked a lot, both in his full time day job and also remodeling houses on the weekends. Most of the time I would drive to where he was (over an hour away) on a Saturday as he was typically tied up until the early evening. I’m a pretty understanding person who in my private life is fairly laid back. So at first this did not bother me…until it was obvious to me that this was going to continue after a couple of months of dating.


Then one weekend we had planned to go meet some friends of mine, a big step for me. He asked me about 4 days prior to the night if he “had to” go. Well, no Berg, you don’t have to go. Silly me just thought you liked me and wanted to meet some of the friends you hear about so much.



So that was that, I knew he just wasn’t the guy for me. I told him as such and ended it right then. He seemed to be fine with that and we parted ways amicably with both of us knowing this wasn’t the end all be all for either of us.


Or so I thought…

Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

We should take some time to observe the various interesting phone conversations one can have with these potential dates before even going out with them. Two of mine that stand out in particular:

-There was one chap from the Cape who’s profile definitely lended itself to him being somewhat of a party animal. Most of his pictures were of him out with a beer in his hand and his answer to the frequency of his alcohol intake was “several times a week”. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I’m certainly no teetotaler so this did not scare me off right away. We’ll call him “Party Pat”….Party Pat from the Cape. We went through the steps and exchanged a few casual emails and then set up a time to speak. The conversation went as such:

PP: “Heeeyyyyyyy….”
Me: “Oh…hey there” (at this point I suspect he may be under the influence)

Conversation ensues for a few minutes and he proposes the idea of getting together.

PP: “Sooooo…you’re really cuuute in your picsh…we should get together or somethin’”

At this point I realize he’s completely shitfaced.

Me: “Where do you usually go out on the Cape? I love the BBC, one of my favorite places…”
PP: “OOOHHHH yeah…I’m not rea—hiccup—really allowed there, I kinda got in trouble one niigghhtt”

Alrighty Party Pat...order me up a cold one and I'll be there before you know it.

And then another where the guy on the other end of the line would frequently morph into a tiny cheerleader of sorts after each statement I made. I know, this is confusing, allow me to illustrate:

MC (midget cheerleader): “How was your day?”
Me: “It was good…busy, but good.”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

*Cue to me completely perplexed at whatever sound just came through the phone and looking at it as if maybe it had suddenly switched frequencies. Had I possibly temporarily caught a 5 year old girl mid-conversation with her father or something? I don't get great cell service where I live. But no…no it continued:

MC: “So do you like your job?”
Me: “I do…it certainly has it’s moments but for the most part I really like what I do”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

While the rest of his dialogue was in a totally normal, mid 30s male voice, this little cheer of his was in a teeny tiny little voice! It continued unwarranted…

Me: “Hold on, I just need to grab a glass of water, I’m a little parched”
MC: “yyaaayyy”

So needless to say neither one of these two potential suitors even made it to the date stage…though I’m sure we can all say with a fair amount of certainty how those would have gone, and we’re glad we dodged that bullet. Yyaaayy…